Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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