Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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