I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
