Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
