there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
