worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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