So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
