i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
