Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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