Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
