she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
