I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
