She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
