We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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