I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So many bounce houses so little time
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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