I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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