I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
