You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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