Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
