i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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