hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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