someone threw a dead crab at me
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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