The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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