Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
