I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
