i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
