Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
