she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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