I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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