the only muscles i have these days is kegels
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
