I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
