So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
