the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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