I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
