I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
