a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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