Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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