the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
