in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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