Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
