Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
