I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
