i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
