Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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