Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
