plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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