thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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