Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
