remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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