oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
