The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
