this beer tastes like vomit already
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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