My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
